Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Randomize
