Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
