God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
