mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Randomize
