this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
