I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Randomize
