Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
