I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
