He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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