i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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