i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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