Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
