I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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