I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
