I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
