If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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