Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Randomize
