Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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