Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
