i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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