my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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