If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
My feet surprised me
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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