I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
