If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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