i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
