Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
