Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
