God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
