Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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