Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
There are leaves in my underwear?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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