You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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