hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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