I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
