my phone needs a breathalizer
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
