I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
