i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
