I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
