btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
