I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Two words: nipple clamps
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