my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
