i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
