remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
i will never coherently bang her
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
