I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
