Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
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