the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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