This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
