I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
