it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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