On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
her vagine was all disorganized.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
