So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize
