I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
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